saying goodbye

it sort of feels like i've been leaving the bay area, or in the process of saying goodbye, for a long time now. really, ever since the beginning of last summer, when bj, becky, beth, nancy and i all decided to travel across the country to explore the possibilities of finding/creating community somewhere besides california (see our travel blog for more info). even though we ended up returning to the bay area (well, all of us except for nancy that is), i never really did entirely come back from that trip. emotionally anyways. there's been a constant uncertainty to where i was/where i was going to. a steady state of unsteadiness. we said goodbye to close friends and went through the corresponding feelings of loss and pain to let go of relationships that have been so dear to me. then we said goodbye again when bj and i (ultimately, temporarily) moved to portland, oregon last fall. and throughout this time, because of the uncertainty and the constant flux, i haven't felt able to re-engage with this place, with california or the bay area. or with the relationships i had such a hard time letting go of. and so i've sort of been in limbo for like 18 months. and i haven't been able to make my life make sense in a coherent, connect the dots sort of way, either to friends and family or to myself. and that's been really difficult and painful in and of itself.

so, now that we're gearing up to move away again, saying goodbye has a really strange quality to it. i sort of feel like i already did it, so i don't get to do it again. or i don't need to. or something. but i do need some way to honor this transition, this big shift and movement. the passing of really big things in my life. but it's really hard for me to know how to create that. bj and i have talked about having a ritual or rituals to help us make space for that honoring, that passing, this transition. and in small ways, we have created our own special moments and meaning.

this past weekend, we went into the city and stayed for a couple nights. i got to spend a little time with my dear friends kelly and jerry, both of which i hadn't seen in a while, and say goodbye to them. then on sunday, we took a drive to muir beach in marin county. we took the long scenic route back to sonoma and got to see some really beautiful, quintessentially california landscapes. and it felt nice to have that experience. it made me feel a little sad too, because ever since i moved out here, i've been in love with this place, this region, this land; but in this limbo place i've been in, i haven't been able to be consistently present or feel connected to this place. it's like i've been afraid to open myself to being in love with it because i've known that i'm not staying so i don't want to go through the hurt of separating over and over. it's only now that i'm able to see these patterns. and in hindsight, i wish i'd had the ability to be vulnerable to whatever precarious connection i could have enjoyed. because now i see how the ways that it hurts to have to say goodbye are less painful than not being able to say goodbye.

reflection

after my father died, i learned a really important lesson about loss. i realized that no matter how much i wanted to grieve and be "over" the pain of losing him, the sadness that filled the space of his absense had become a part of my life, a part of my experience. and my relationship to that sadness can be an ongoing opportunity to grow and to learn about myself. so i made peace with it, welcomed it into my experience (though i must admit, i still push it away most of the time).

and now i wonder if this loss i'm feeling around leaving california may have a similar quality to the loss of my father. perhaps it's something i will always feel, always morn. and if that is the case, i wonder what lessons are woven through all these complex and difficult emotions that have been twisting me around lately.

as this path unfolds, as the road rolls on before us in our journey east, i want to be at peace with where i'm at in each moment. and so i dedicate this entry to saying goodbye and honoring change. i intention for myself stepping out from this place with an open heart and an open mind.

open road

the fifth sacred thing

good book

bj just finished reading this, and i finished it a few weeks ago. i had started it a few years ago, but for one reason or another, didn't get very far. but recently, a friend mentioned it and said how it had really opened some things up for her. so i took the opportunity to give it another shot, and i'm very glad i did. i loved it. and now i want to be a witch... no seriously.

the book is written by starhawk, a well-known figure in the bay area. she teaches permaculture, earth-based spirituality, wicca/magic and activism among other things. i met her while i was in new orleans last year working on a community garden project. but i hadn't read anything of hers, nor did i really know much about her. now i sort of regret that i didn't take more opportunities to talk to her and learn more about her projects and philosophies.

the book is a utopian/dystopian fiction set in san francisco and california in 2048. it is 20 years after an apocalypse and san francisco has emerged and rebuilt as an ecotopian society existing in resistance to and at the margins of a fundamentalist/totalitarian state.

one of the things i thought was really interesting and well done, was the plausibility and relevance of the depiction of both the utopian and the dystopian elements. the good stuff was really inspiring, and illuminated for me compelling possibilities: personally, socially, and philosophically. the ugly stuff seemed prescient and all too realistic; echoing current trends here in the u.s. like increased erosion of civil liberties, the rise of fundamentalist christianity, and wide-scale environmental destruction.

overall, i really recommend it. especially if you're looking for a good novel that sucks you in and makes you want to keep reading. and if anyone wants to borrow a copy, ours is available;)

haircut

so, bj has this tendency to spontaneously cut off her hair. like, all of it. well, sometimes at least. she's done this several times before. i've been around for it a time or two... it's really quite inspiring. makes me think of how i get attached to appearances, specifically my own. and it makes me loosen up and realize that outlook, attitude and comfort with one's self are all more important factors in happiness and fulfillment than trying to look a certain way.

aftermath

so anyways, this *cut all my hair off* feeling has been coming up for bj again lately. and today she decided to act on it, though not all the way... yet anyhow. i mean, it makes sense... most of the time she's got her hands full with asher and her hair gets in her face, or asher grabs hold of it. i for one can attest to the utility of short hair. i *love* having short hair. i don't have to worry about combing, brushing, styling, primping, etc, etc. i had longish hair once, and it was sort of fun for a while. but jeez, rolling out of bed in the morning and not having to even think about bed head... it's just easy.



well, bj still has most of her hair left, for now. she said she'd be interested in hearing from any of y'all what your take is on her hair situation. should she hold, or chop away? thought anyone?

well?

moving, and moving on

ok, ok, i admit. this is a little weird. but, i sort of just have to work through this here. we've whittled our belongings down to a pretty spiffy little pile. moving is a great opportunity to survey the accoutrements of one's life and assess what is important, and what is superfluous. and i realized, of course, that i've been hanging on to some frivolous stuff of various variety.

retired

one category of my purge has been clothing. this is one arena of my life where i've long been a zealous utilitarian. clothes (and more importantly, shoes) just really need to work. i admit that style and aesthetics do enter the equation when choosing a new (by new i mean used) garment of clothing. but paramount to any final decision in adding a new piece to my wardrobe is function. is it made well? will it withstand a little abuse, some climbing on and around various urban and/or rural objects? can i bike in it?

in my ambitions to clothe myself in functional attire, i came across/modified one particular article that stands out as emblematic of what i aspire for in an ideal piece of clothing.

the cargo-camo-cut-off. start with a pair of army surplus camouflage pants, used is preferable as long as they're not too worn. cutting off the lower portion of the legs creates the ideal cross between bike-friendliness, warmth, knee protection, coolth, and low-water wade-ability.

the cargo pockets come in handy for me on occasions so numerous, i can hardly begin to name them. hats, scarfs, bottles, headlamps, sandwiches, small animals, contraband, you name it. plus they're down low and out of the way so i end up carrying my keys and cell phone in the lower pockets to keep them off my thighs.

i also added some custom options of my own:

- two pencil sleeves to the outside and below the right knee, with a reinforced stitch at the openings.

- a double belt loop closely spaced just to the back of the ride side, call it three-thirty, to stay my leatherman pouch from sliding around on my belt.

- i sewed a horizontal "change-break" in my right pocket to keep change from falling out with i'm reclining or laying down. it worked some of the time, but i still would lose change from time to time.

these puppies have lasted me for several years, serving as my full-time everyday pant for most of that time. they've been hopping freight, several times. they've hiked, camped, tree-climbed, rock-climbed. they've protested and been to jail with me. they've traveled countless miles via bicycle. they've hitchhiked cross-country. they've explored countless abandoned buildings. they've played. they've worked. they've discovered. they've sheltered, protected and warmed.

and so, you see, that is why it was such a bittersweet parting when i finally decided to retire them. the rear had been patched, reinforced, then patched again. and it had gotten to the point where there just wasn't sufficient material to properly attach new cloth to. and while holes in my trousers don't really bother me all that much, they do cause a body to stand out more than perhaps one might always be interested in.

worn through

and so, with little fanfare but many fond memories... dear pants, i bid thee ado.

retrospective:

working on station 40

in utah

climbing a train tressle

hitchhiking

cross country

veggie oil conversion

i've been working on converting our truck, *bonnie blue*, to run on vegetable oil. i ordered a conversion kit from frybrid, which is based out of seattle, wa. they have a very good reputation for the design of their conversion kits and for the quality of the components they use. they also happen to have a pretty rotten reputation for delivering orders in a timely fashion. my kit took 9 weeks to come instead of 4 like the website advertises. but, it finally arrived last week, and i've been working long hours every day to try and get it all finished up so we can proceed with our eastward trajectory.

veggie oil filler cap

converting a diesel vehicle to be able to use veggie oil as it's fuel requires a few pieces:

- a second fuel tank for veggie oil
- a means of heating the oil to around 160 degrees prior to injection into the engine
- valves to switch between regular diesel or biodiesel and veggie oil
- a dedicated fuel filter for the veggie oil

in my case, the second fuel tank is a 60 gallon aluminum tank in the truck bed.

the oil is heated using the waste heat in the engine coolant. there are five different places where heat is exchanged from the coolant to the oil: a coiled final fuel exchanger, a dedicated fuel filter, an in-tank heat exchanger, and both the fuel supply and fuel return lines, which are jacketed in coolant hose.

in addition to the two valves controlling the fuel supply and return, this system has a third valve that controls fuel purging when switching from veggie oil back to diesel.

the veggie oil fuel filter is heated to increase the efficiency of the filtration and increase the life of filter elements.

i'm about 85% finished with the installation. i re-plumbed the stock diesel fuel lines, installed the new tank, installed new fuel lines for the veggie oil, tapped into the coolant lines and plumbed coolant to the various heat exchangers. now i'm in the process of making all the electrical connections and installing the system controls inside the truck.

it looks like i should be able to finish up tomorrow, which is exciting not only because then we'll be able to start dumpstering our fuel again and running our truck on a waste product that burns cleaner and smells better, but also because i'm over being a full time auto mechanic. the insides of cars are really filthy and filled with toxic goo. and my hands are all banged up. oh the price we are willing to pay for our mobility... but at least now, bonnie will be a little less toxic and a little more friendly to us and to the earth.

veggie oil tank

fuel tank heat exchanger

have i mentioned...

...how amazing i think my son is. i keep falling in love with him. and i keep learning from him: about life, about love, about him, about myself.

little tongue

he and bj stayed in the city last night and i stayed in sonoma. i missed them both, but it also gave me an opportunity to reflect on how much they mean to me. and how blessed i am to have such an incredible family.

nibble

hi

(all these photos were taken by bj)

hold on

today, i was listening to all my folk music as i worked on converting the truck. and i heard this song. and it caught my attention in a way it never has before. so i paid more attention. and it struck me as a poignant and beautiful piece of music.

it's called Kid Fears. it's performed by Indigo Girls with Michael Stipe.

if you have the time to make a litte space and listen, and look at the lyrics. then check out the way the different pieces are woven together with each other towards the end.

and hold on.

Pain from pearls -hey little girl
How much have you grown
Pain from pearls - hey little girl
Flower for the ones youve known

Are you on fire
From the years
What would you give
For your kid fears

Secret staircase, running high
You had a hiding place
Secret staircase, running low
But they all know, now youre inside

Are you on fire
From the years
What would you give
For your kid fears
Your kid fears

Skipping stones, we know the price now
And any sin will do
How much further, if you can spin
How much further, if you are smooth

Are you on fire
[are you on fire]
From the years
[from the years? ]
What would you give
For your kid fears
[what would you give]
[what would replace the rent with the stars above]
(replace the rent with the stars above)
[replace the need with love]
(replace the need with love)
[replace the anger with the tide]
(replace the anger with the tide)
[replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love]
(replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love)
Ah the ones that you love
Are you on fire
(replace the rent with the stars above)
[are you on fire]
From all the years
(replace the need with love)
[from the years]
What would you give
(replace the anger with the tide)
[what would you give]
For your kid fears
(for the ones that you love)
(the ones that you love)
Hold on now
Are you on fire
(replace the rent with the stars above)
[are you on fire]
From all the years
(replace the need with love)
[from the years]
And what would you give
(replace the anger with the tide)
For your kid fears
[what would you give]
(for the ones that you love)
What would you give
(the ones that you love)
For you kid fears?
[what would you give]
What would you give for your kid fears
Your kid fears
Hey kids
Hold on

yum yums

most recent adventures in food:
saving more seeds (see post below)
gleaning pears from an orchard down the street
picking three kinds of apples from trees here
saucing the apples
harvesting basil for pesto
soaking garbanzos for hummus
gleaning purple figs from a tree in town
cooking some of them down to a compote
some of this can hopefully be travel food
... whenever we get on the road

fun with gravity

bj gave asher his first lesson in velocity and inertia today:



it was really fun. bj and i rode down this slope (and i rode up it) a couple of times. but asher didn't seem terribly impressed... i think we may need to find a bigger hill.

Prothalamium

Come, all you who are not satisfied
as ruler in a lone, wallpapered room
full of mute birds, and flowers that falsely bloom,
and closets choked with dreams that long ago died!

Come, let us sweep the old streets––like a bride:
sweep out dead leaves with a relentless broom;
prepare for Spring, as though he were our groom
for whose light footstep eagerly we bide.

We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;
sweep out our shame--and in its place we'll make
a bower for love, a splendid marriage-bed
fragrant with flowers aquiver for the Spring.
And when he comes, our murdered dreams shall wake;
and when he comes, all the mute birds shall sing.

-Aaron Kramer

on asher

his name comes from his great great great great great great grandfather
he's 3 months 9 days old today
finished with his "fourth trimester"
for a couple weeks he's been lifting his head when he's on his belly
he's got a smile that lights up the room
he's just starting to watch his hands
and seeming to grab at things with intention
yesterday he rolled from his back to his right side
and almost all the way to his stomach but that darn right arm was in the way
he loves to jabber in what a friend calls "his own unique spoken word brand of exquisite and profound poetry"

when i was pregnant we called him she
so now his 2.5 year old cousin logan still thinks he's a girl
he has blue eyes that sometimes look green
and brown hair that glows red in the sun
he likes it when we help him stand up and walk
he kicks like crazy when we go in the swimming pool
it's as if he's trying to take off on his own
he likes showers
he chews his tongue
he seems to be teething because
he's constantly drooling
and i just today discovered that he loves for me to rub his gums
he's a bubbly smiley boy in the mornings
we have one of those big rubber yoga balls
bouncing asher on the ball is our panacea
that and bike rides are staples
last night he fought going to sleep more than he ever has before
he looks a lot like aaron and a lot like roro's baby pictures

his nicknames so far:
baby jo (for when he was joey in my pouch when i was pregnant)
sweet pea (my mom, "roro", calls him that)
squeaker (not so much anymore, but when he was bitty he had an incredible squeak)
baby bean (this one is phasing out, too. this was our name for him when he was swaddled)
asher dasher
asher d (for asher dasher)
smasher
asher d smasher
small friend
little one
basher dasher smasher splasher trasher (etc.) (my dad, "obi" sings this to him)
and lady killer (another roro)

transplants

bj and i decided to take a few plants that are growing around here with us to the east coast and see if we can reestablish some of them there.

we dug up some comfrey from a large, hearty plant that was planted two years ago by bradley under one of the apple trees from some root stock.

comfrey extraction

we also extracted one of the many willow saplings that have sprung up over the past year behind this beautiful willow tree in a wet, swampy patch jump off the lawn area.

willow extraction

wheelow

we'll have to figure out a way to batten them down for the big journey across. we'll also take some apple mint and maybe some lemon balm too. they are all sturdy species so hopefully they'll fare well and we will be enjoying them years down the road.

saving seed

when beth was up here last time, she helped gather seeds from around the gardens. then over the past couple of days, i've been collecting whatever else i could find that will be nice to plant in, well, ya know, wherever we end up having a garden again... i'm not sure whether some of these things will even grow from seed so i'm experimenting.

what we've collected so far:
- 4 varieties of eggplant
- sunflowers (giant edible kind and pretty black ornamental kind)
- amaranth
- chard
- brocolli
- some type of white bush bean
- borage
- bachelor buttons
- arugula
- three kinds of mint (apple, chocolate and something else)
- lavender
- lemon balm
- plantain
- rose hips
- three kinds of peppers
- okra
- tomatillo
- basil
- echinacea (with help from my mom and logan)
- ten varieties of tomatoes
- job's tears
- rosemary

lavender

plantain

apple mint

job's tears

amaranth

what? virginia?

i guess it's such a big part of our everyday lives
the air we breathe these days
that we haven't written about it yet
but our days are filled with packing
leaving
disentangling ourselves from sonoma
extending our thought and energy tentacles out to virginia
to live with our new friends mary, rannie, and nexus
"the finders"
what an adventure this life of mine turns out to be

asher and ayani

to follow up on bj's post, babies babies babies, i wanted to share this video of asher and his friend, ayani.



it was amazing to watch the two of them interact with one another. at times, it really seemed like they could understand one another and were talking.

today's lesson

it keeps coming up
you'll never live today again
live it now

babies babies babies

(and their parents, too)

since being pregnant and having asher out in the world, it has always been nice to connect with other people who are having similar experiences to mine of being a new mother: other young parents, other parents of young children, other parents with similar parenting styles and lifestyle choices, and other babies close to asher's age...

it was great to see heidi and chad and lily for these reasons. they're such lovely people. they're so much fun to spend time with. they're very easy going and loving. lily is a beautiful little soft, sweet-smelling, smoochable bundle. and holding her, my cousin's daughter, another member of the next generation in my family, felt so natural. i loved thinking about watching her grow up through the years, seeing her at our annual thanksgiving get-together. i love that asher will have a playmate so close to his age. and i can learn so much about who asher is by seeing who he's not in other babies.

and then the other day our new wonderful friends dana, efrain, and ayani came to visit.
well, they're amazing. spending time with them is so amazing.
for all the reasons listed above and more
they are a placeholder in my life. emblematic of the relationships i want.



i feel affinity with them in so many ways:
with how they're raising ayani
with the hints of their spiritual understandings of the world that are sprinkled throughout how they talk about their lives
with their commitment to living lives that are meaningful and powerful
with how they interact with one another and with others
with their expressions of themselves and what's important to them in the everyday things they do
and with their expressions of themselves and what's important to them in the bigger things they do

they are beautiful people.

omphalos

i wanted to share this song because it has become such a part of the fabric of my life. it's called omphalos by a band named cerberus shoal. they're a relatively obscure art-rock band with lots of different iterations of members.

anyways, i think it's really pretty. especially the ending. i think it may be the prettiest composition of sounds that i've ever experienced in a piece of music. give it a listen.



if you like it, you can download it here (right or control-click and save the link to your computer).

santa cruz

we packed up the truck and headed on down to the beach to visit bj's cousin heidi, heidi's husband chad and their new baby lily. they live like *3 inches* from the ocean. it's crazy. so, of course, we dipped our feet in. it was lovely.

cousins on the beach

asher meets the ocean

baby steps

pacifico baby

logan *really* likes the ocean

bj and lily, logan and i

sand

logan comes for a visit

our nephew logan is out visiting from tennessee. rosa lee flew back with him after she and bradley drove there with the truck and trailer. we've been having a lot of fun together. i've been trying to imagine asher as big as logan and i just can't do it. i mean, of course he will be some day, but it seems like it will never happen... sort of like when i was a freshman in high school, and i knew that some day i'd be a senior, but it also seemed impossible at the same time.

roro, logan, asher and bj outside of holy innocents church in sf

playing the baby duck game

logan and i hanging in sf

playing in the "eldervader" in the home where mimi, bj's grandmother lives

biking baby

it turns out that asher, like his parents, loves to ride bikes. it's *really* cute. don't believe me?...



see, told ya!